The Fish Pond » satire

UID Scrapped! NASCUM calls for Bharath Bandh

Edwin — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 19:17:05 +0000

RNI, SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT, 2 October 2030

Prime Minister Mayawathi scrapped the Sonia Manmohan UID Tracking System (SMUT) today, just over two decades after it was introduced, to almost universal acclaim. Gandhians hailed it as a tribute to the Father of the Nation on his birth anniversary and recalled that the first direct action of Gandhi was against carrying ID cards in South Africa.

The move was supported by the association of school teachers—the designated data collectors—who were getting beaten up every year by those who did not get loans despite having SMUT numbers. Moreover, every vacation of theirs was spent updating the database. Also welcoming the move were the IAS officers’ association. SMUT exposed IAS officers flying to China without departmental permission through Kolkatta. They maintained that their interest had nothing to do with the order of the Supreme Court that all official papers be signed with the individual SMUT of the person concerned. The SC had held that since SMUT was accessible to private parties, it has to be given under RTI. The last ditch attempt by the IAS lobby to amend the law during then Prime Minister Rahul Gandhi’s only term was struck down by the court.

Baba Ramdev welcomed the move asserting that SMUT prevented sinners from becoming saints. Even after becoming saints they were being identified and prosecuted by the police for crimes from murder arson to rape done in their previous unenlightened state. Several ‘swamijis’ who were caught earlier demanded that they be released since they did not have a level playing field and ‘unconstitutional means’ were used to identify and capture them.

The National Association of Sacred Cow Urine Marketers (NASCUM) strongly condemned the move which they said was a pseudo-secular plot to fundamentally alter the social and economic fabric of the nation. They said that the shortage of cow urine to wash the fingerprint and iris scan machines after the untouchables had used it was temporary. Sufficient investment had been made in bovines, and the temporary shortage was because of successive years of drought. ‘Sacred Cow Urine is the best disinfectant of these machines and we can supply enough cow urine to the entire world’ they claimed. NASCUM members would suffer loss since the medical industry could not absorb the surplus immediately. They called for a Bharat Bundh tomorrow.

Speaking from his abode in Greater Kailash, the Mahamahant of the Parishade Inde Sarvalok Sarvasant (PISS) the apex body of All Saints of All People (India) supported NASCUM and claimed that this was a conspiracy against the Sanatn dhrm and a direct attack on the sacred cow. ‘We will fight it tooth and nail’. He brushed aside allegations of casteism saying that ‘the only true constitution of India is the Manusmriti’. PISS called for a national day of mourning

Heyie Bigbro, CEO Nile.com, the Nigerian company that provided back office support to SMUT, said that he accepted the decision. Nigeria was not dependent on any one country, but was a powerhouse of innovation. Their contribution to the Indian economy could not be ignored he added. British Prime Minister Westland offered help to decommission SMUT, and said that Britain was always ready to help India in its hour of need. 8000 presently unemployed British engineers could immediately be put on the job he said.

Priyanka Vadhera-Gandhi of the Indian National Congress (Sonia) condemned the move as a vendetta against the Gandhi family. INC(S) would fight any move to rename Priyadarshini Indira Gandhi International (PIGI) Airport. She denied that she had any links to the Nigerian company, but conceded that she had met Bigbro, and that he was distantly related.

The stock exchange moved up 2.08% in late trade. Technology stocks took a beating with a downswing of 5-10%. Waste disposal firms saw a 10-15% rise. Infosys chairman Satyam Raju said that their earnings would remain on track, but condemned comparisons with IBM and the ‘human rights walas’ who put Infosys in the holocaust museum. He reminded them that the Gujarat riots that took place in 2002 were before SMUT was implemented. He however declined to comment on the more recent pogroms and denial of service to thousands more saying that other causes could also be responsible.

Experts opined that the decommissioning would cost as much as building the system. FisherKings is tipped to bag the Rs five lakh crore (Rs 5 trillion) decommissioning contract. It is always good times for us said CEO Mallya. PomBay would be the ePortal for sales of SMUT infrastructure said a spokesbot of Pomidyar Foundation.

Nandan Nilekani the former SMUT czar declined comment from his island home in Mali where he is undergoing treatment for megalomania. Nobel Laureate Arundathi Roy said ‘another world is possible’.

Old Joe McCarthy is Visiting

Bobby Kunhu — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 14:03:56 +0000

Standard Disclaimer: All the characters depicted here are fictitious. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely unintentional and coincidental

Statutory Advisory: The contents here might be unsuitable for minors, people with chronic heart condition and pregnant women.

Author’s Disclaimer: The author is not responsible for the existence or non-existence of ghosts. Belief or disbelief in the contents of this report is the prerogative of the reader.

October 5, 2009, Kolkata: It has been confirmed that the ghost of Joseph Raymond McCarthy, Republican US Senator from the state of Wisconsin between 1947 and 1957, famous for his purges against Communists has come to haunt the Writers’ Building in Kolkata. The latest manifestation of this haunting was through the person of Sri Ashok M. Chakraborty, IAS, the Chief Secretary of West Bengal warning those supporting and associating themselves with Mr. Chhatradhar Mahato directly or indirectly were also liable to be punished under relevant sections of the UAPA. Through Sri Chakraborty, the Senator went on to emphasize that the names that had been obtained from lists (by the police) from suspected Maoists, those helping them overtly or covertly and those advocating Mr. Mahato’s release were also inviting punishment.

According to reliable sources, the beleaguered West Bengal government has retained the services of Senator McCarthy on an honorary basis on the understanding that the Senator will deliver unto Buddhadeb Dasgupta, what he managed to do for Dwight Eisenhower. The immediate task to be executed by the Senator is to establish the prevalent Maoist presence in Singur, Nandigram and Lalgarh in the true spirit of Shonar West Bengal.

The government seems to be more than satisfied with his services so far. To quote a senior Home Ministry official working closely with the Senator, on conditions of anonymity; “the Senator’s thoroughness is obvious from the fact even a 3 year old girl, Payal Bag did not escape his list for conspiring to bomb the Block Development and District Magistrate’s offices in Singur”. The official also pointed out that the two factors that is likely to contribute to the Senator’s success is the suspension of the operation of Part III of the Constitution of India, the Code of Criminal Procedure and the Indian Evidence Act and media cooperation in spreading awareness about the dangers threatening Bangla pride.

The Senator has also managed to successfully demonstrate the nexus between Chhatradar Mahato, Kolkata based intellectuals, artists and writers, Human Rights Organisations, Maoists and cross border infiltration.

Our special correspondent in New Delhi reports that following the initial success of the project in West Bengal, the Union Government is thinking of creating a Special Task Force headed by Senator McCarthy to adapt McCarthyism to Indian conditions. As an emerging global leader, it is important that India emulates the United States in conformity with Indian culture. Sources reveal that Senator McCarthy is keen on retaining Raman Singh, Chief Minister of Chattisgarh and incorporating some of the salient features of Salwa Judum to take McCarthyism to its next level. Technical inputs would be provided by Nandan Nilekeni in his capacity as the Chairperson of the Unique ID Authority. The ghosts of Richard Nixon and Edward J. Hart are the other American notables who will also be invited to be part of the Task Force.

To be called the Un-Indian Activities Commission, this Task Force is expected to help the Government of India in cleaning up militancy in Kashmir and the North-East, Naxal menace, Islamic fundamentalism, secessionist tendencies and the newly emerging Dalit insurgency specifically and to contain Un-Indian dissent and expose the role of Pakistan in general. When contacted through a medium, Senator McCarthy refused to comment in the interest of the integrity of the nation and because of the sensitive nature of the activities of the proposed Task Force.

N.Ramayana

Satya Sagar — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 03:39:08 +0000

A Street Play

Sutradhar: Come one! Come all! Witness the grandest drama ever enacted on the face of this earth! The story of N.Ramayana! Narada’s Ramayana! Narada the public relations manager of Maha Vishnu himself! Narada, the muni who propagated Aryan culture south of the Vindhyas! Narada, the intellectual power broker! Narada, who could make the good appear evil and make the evil look wise whenever he wanted! Narada who could speak with five tongues at the same time to the same person! Narada, who elevated telling lies to an art form! Narada, who could use the noblest of words with the lowest of intentions! Narada, the editor of an influential newspaper today! Narada- not just another Editor-in-Chief but the ABSOLUTE Editor-in-Chief of The Gundu!

SCENE ONE

The play begins in a newspaper office in Chennai. A group of fishermen have been agitating against fisherfolk being shot while fishing in international waters off the coast of Tamil Nadu. A reporter is telling his boss Narada why this story is important.

Fishermen shouting slogans in the background.

Reporter: Sir, twenty fishermen have been shot in the past six months. In the latest incident three of them were killed by the Sri Lankan Navy. At least now we should publish a story about this incident

Narada, the Editor: Mr Reporter, do you know how many fish the fishermen kill every day? Is that not a crime too- taking life in any form?

Reporter: (surprised and stammering) But, sir… how can you equate the killing of human beings to the killing of fish just because you are a vegetarian? The fishermen catch fish for their survival and in that process many of them die in the sea anyway? What the Sri Lankan navy is doing is sheer murder of innocent people!

Narada: You ask how can I equate the lives of human beings to that of fish?

(walking up to the reporter slowly and catching him by the collar and drawing the frightened reporter’s face close to his)

First of all let me tell you Mr Reporter, I am not a vegetarian. I eat human beings– flesh, blood and bones- everyday for breakfast! I also swallow the living truth every day. If Lord Shiva swallowed poison and locked it in his throat to save humanity I safely lock up the truth in my throat so that it can never escape anywhere !

Next, let me tell you Mr Reporter, I am capable of equating anything with anything if it suits my purpose. Sometimes the lives of fish are more important than human lives, sometimes humans are more precious than elephants. It all depends on the context and there is a mathematics required to understand this. I come from a long lineage of mathematicians, of ‘kanakkupillais’. We have calculated our way through history, equation by equation. Calculation is in my blood Mr Reporter and I always get the results I want- even if one has to bend the rules of mathematics to do it once in a while!

Reporter (frightened): Sir, there is something called the truth also. You are running a newspaper that is supposed to reflect honestly what is happening in the world outside. You cannot blackout what is happening in the real world or impose the product of your imagination on your readers all the time!

Narada: (shoving the reporter aside with contempt) The problem with you Mr Reporter is that you do not understand your job definition very well. Yes, we pay you a salary to find out the truth – but not to tell the truth to everybody- last of all our newspaper readers. All the truths you and other reporters bring everyday I keep in the safety vault of my throat.

(motions to the Reporter) See how smooth and white my throat is – touch it, don’t be afraid, feel it! This is all the fruit of the hard work of my employees like you, don’t be shy!

Reporter touches Narada’s throat and is immediately tempted to choke him. He presses hard till Narada turns blue/red in his face and starts shouting for help.

Narada: Murder! Murder! Help! Help! Someone come and rescue me from this madman.

Guards come running and pull the reporter away. Reporter is taken away screaming “You are an enemy of the people! You are a liar! You are a cheat! You are a thief!

SCENE TWO

Reporters voice fades away. Narada adjusts his shirt, strokes his throat and calls out to his secretary: “Next appointment. Let him come in”

Secretary accompanied by a peon brings in a tall mirror. Narada’s next appointment is with himself- his own mirror image. They place the mirror so that he can see himself fully in it.

Narada positions himself before the mirror, stretching himself, making faces at his image, examines his throat once again, pats his hair, sticks out his tongue.

Narada: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I am a Tamilian! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.”

Turning dead serious

Narada: “No, I am not a Tamilian. I am a Chameleon ! I can change colours, shape, size, values, principles, facts, data everything- depending on the CONTEXT! “

Walks away from the mirror talking to himself loudly

Narada: “ Yes when needed I am a Tamilian too. “Dei, ennada! Poda! Vaada!” I can say to my servants when I am annoyed with them. But I am a man of many identities.

I am the owner of a newspaper and the newspaper is a business meant to make profits. So I have to ensure the business prospers even if it means sacrificing a few principles, a few people here and there.

I am an investigative journalist on my own. I have exposed the secrets of politicians who do not want to do what I want them to do.

I am a Marxist intellectual- or at least that is what many people around me believe me to be. As a Marxist I have to support the poor, the working class in Iraq, Palestine, Afghanistan, Somalia, Ethiopia, Cuba, Bolivia (voice dropping a bit low) but not in India, he, he, he.

Narada starts gesticulating wildly before the mirror talking to himself but as if he is addressing a large audience.

Narada: I am communist to the communist, capitalist to the capitalist, feudal to the feudal! I am Narada the super man! I can say and write what I want ! I can make day into night! I made the solar eclipse possible! I am indispensable! I am so pleased with myself I can shout to the people of Chennai- come Worship me! I am God! I am the Mount Road of Mahavishnu! …Ooops! Sorry…I am the Mahavishnu of Mount Road! I am the Editor-in-Chief of The Gundu….”

Just then his secretary comes running in with a mobile phone in hand:

Secretary: “Sir, there is a phone call for you from Delhi. From the Prime Minister’s office”

Narada stops his wild actions abruptly and takes the phone his face changing from contorted excitement to a sheepish smile.

Narada: “Yes sir, good morning sir, I mean good afternoon sir. What can I do for you sir!” Of course sir! I have read the Ramayana and know every chapter by heart. Yes Sir I have read the official version; that is what I always read.

What? You want me to strike a deal with the King of Lanka and put the blame for Sita’s kidnapping on Hanuman? I understand your code language sir. No need to explain. In other words, you want me to make what you had called freedom fighters yesterday look like terrorists today? Not a problem sir the current Sri Lankan President, er.. I mean King of Lanka is a personal friend of mine, like the previous one and the one before that also.

Twisting facts is the speciality of our newspaper sir. You must have followed our excellent cover up…I mean coverage of Nandigram, Singur and Lalgarh. We can make fascists look like democrats and murderers look like holy men. We are here to whitewash all your crimes- as long as the rewards are worthwhile for us. I know you understand what I am speaking about sir! Sure, sir. A Padma Bhushan here and a Sri Lanka Ratna there will be fine for this job sir and of course those expensive advertisements for our newspaper from your ministries.

Keeps the phone down and does a little dance singing:

“We are The Gundu
There is nothing we can’t do
Even God writes for us
So why all this fuss
When we print a pack of lies
And journalism dies
We stand for everything untrue
After all, we are The Gundu!”

SCENE THREE

Newspaper boy selling copies of The Gundu shouting at the top of his voice:

“Scoop! Hot News! Hanuman kidnaps Sita! Hanuman kidnaps Sita!”

A few people buy the newspaper, read it and are shocked.

Reader 1: “The Sri Lankan government has accused Hanuman of kidnapping Sita and holding her hostage along with thousands of innocent civilians. Government troops have now surrounded Hanuman and his fighters and any moment they are likely to rescue Sita”

Reader 2: “ Many civilians are likely to die in the rescue operation but the Sri Lankan army says some collateral damage will inevitably happen in such an operation and the price is well worth it.”

Reader 3: “Look here! This article says this information is based on an exclusive interview with the King of Lanka conducted by Narada, the Editor of The Gundu! And the editor says he personally saw all the evidence and is convinced that Hanuman is indeed the culprit!”

Reader 4: (Calling the newspaper boy): “You rascal, what is this newspaper you are selling to us. Who ever has heard of Hanuman kidnapping Sita? This is just a plain lie. Hanuman is being framed by the Sri Lankan and Indian intelligence agencies.

Reader 1: (pointing to the newspaper boy) “Catch this fellow before he can run away!”

The newspaper readers catch hold of the boy and are about to beat him up when he shouts out loud:

Newspaper boy: “ If you want to beat up someone, please go and beat up the Editor of The Gundu. He is the one who is responsible for this lie. I am probably the only fellow linked to the newspaper who is doing an honest job”.

Readers agree and they let the boy go. They then march to The Gundu’s office shouting slogans: “ Down with the lies of The Gundu”; “Bad journalism costs lives!”; “Don’t whitewash the sins of the Sri Lankan government!”

SCENE FOUR

The newspaper readers march into the office of Narada and continue to shout slogans against him and The Gundu. Narada quietens them down by standing on a chair and addressing them:

Narada: “Ok! Ok! Ok! Now tell me, what exactly is your problem?”

Reader 1: “You and your newspaper are the problem! “We are sick and tired of the lies you are publishing every day!”

Reader 2: “ Your newspaper is supporting genocide of the Tamil people in Sri Lanka”

Reader 3: “You are an agent of the Indian government in Sri Lanka”

Narada: “Fine, I have now listened to your complaints. You listen to me now. First of all let me explain that the newspaper industry, not just the Gundu, but all newspapers cannot survive without telling lies. We lie for a living. We have a business to run and profits to make and everyday we cannot get real news to fill up our newspaper. So what is called ‘news’ in our publication is very often just plain fiction. If we had some more talent we would have been scriptwriters in Tamil cinema!”

Reader 1: “That is not true. Tamil cinema is closer to the truth most often than your newspaper. Through their fiction and even fantasy they are able to explain reality much better to thousands of people. You are pretending to tell the truth but telling lies instead”

Narada: “ You are a smart fellow. May I offer you a job as an Assistant Editor in our newspaper? Well, I was saying- lies are our staple product. But in the case of our latest article accusing Hanuman of kidnapping Sita I have full proof of his involvement in this crime. I have seen the evidence with my own eyes”

Reader 2: “If you have the evidence why don’t you publish that and let the people judge for themselves instead of just making accusations? Can you show us the evidence?”

Narada: “The evidence is with my good friend the King of Lanka. He told me that he saw it with his own eyes”

Reader 3: “Just now you said you saw it with your ‘own eyes’. Now it turns out that the Sri Lankan President saw it with his ‘own eyes’. What is this nonsense?”

Narada: “You don’t understand. The eyes of the King of Lanka are like my ‘own eyes’. We are like brothers, two bodies but one soul”

Reader 1: “ That is what we are also saying. There is no difference between you and the murderer who runs Sri Lanka. You are as guilty as the King of Lanka”

Narada: “ You are mistaken. Our common soul does not belong to either of us. It is owned by a third party- which is in fact a large company that is called ‘Greed and Power Pvt. Ltd. So we work on behalf of the investors in that company.

Reader 3: And who are the investors? Does it include the Indian government?

Narada: Yes, of course there are many governments involved in the Sri Lankan conflict- the Indians, the Chinese, Pakistan, Russia, Israel and so on. But all these governments are fronts for larger forces that are interested in converting Sri Lanka into a playground for global business. When they succeed I will become their chief public relations officer and The Gundu will become the top newspaper in the entire region!

Reader 1: So you and your investors are willing to carry out a genocide to achieve this aim?

Narada: What is a little genocide when the stakes are so high? We are talking of taking over an entire country that is rich in natural resources and is strategically located in the Indian Ocean- perfect for both global business and military operations.

Reader 2: Mr Narada. If that is the case and so many global interests are involved in this plot to take over Sri Lanka why are you telling all this to us? Are you not afraid that you will be completely exposed?

Narada: Telling you the truth about my involvement in Sri Lanka does not matter because you are never going to freely walk out of my office. I have made all arrangements.

Claps his hands and several guards appear with guns.

Guard 1: You are all under arrest for attempt to assault the Editor of The Gundu. You will all be charged under the Anti-Terrorism Act and put away in jail for life.

Guard 2: You will have a secret trial and after sentencing nobody will be allowed to meet you in jail.

Reader 1: You will never get away with all this!

Reader 2: The people will find out and revolt against you, your newspaper and your political masters!

Narada: You are fools to think that the people will revolt. We have many ways of controlling the people. Give them free television sets and they will sit glued to them like lifeless idiots entertained by half-clad women singing silly songs. If that does not work we always have these fellows (pointing to the guards) to control them.

Reader 3: (lunging forward) I will not let you succeed! Down with Narada! Down with the enemies of the people!

Narada: (stepping back) Arrest them!

Guards hold back the readers and march them out of the office in handcuffs with them continuing to shout slogans against Narada and The Gundu.

SCENE FIVE:

Newspaper boy selling The Gundu on the streets.

‘Hanuman the terrorist killed by Sri Lankan army! Thousands of civilians killed along with him! Sita rescued by the King of Lanka! Narada awarded Sri Lanka Ratna!!”

Narada singing his song:

THE END

Sachch Boley Kauwa Kaatey-III

Satya Sagar — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 04:04:02 +0000

Read Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Cartoon by K.P Sasi

Scene Five:

Kamdev is speaking to someone on the phone. Puts the phone down.

Kamdev: Nickkerji. The American consultant will come soon.

The consultant Jatasar comes in with his suitcase, wearing a hat and sunglasses.

Jatasar: Good morning gentlemen!

Nickkerji: Good morning? It is already night here!

Jatasar: I react only to the time in America. It is morning there right now!

Nickkerji: And why is your name Jatasar?

Jatasar: I am the permanent advisor to Jindal, Tata and Essar and hence the name Ja-Ta-Sar.

Nickkerji: But these are Indian companies. What is American about them?

Jatasar: Any corporation that grows above a certain size and uses certain evil methods to grow further automatically becomes American. I don’t care where my clients come from. I am interested only in where they are going and how much they are paying.

Nickkerji: Sounds like the right man for our job. What can you do to cure our Chief Minister of his sudden habit of telling the truth on every occasion? Surely there must be a solution for this in America?

Jatasar: Sure, we just murder people who tell the truth. No problem, can be arranged. Tell me when and where.

Kamdev: No, Jatasar. You don’t understand. This CM is our man and is valuable to us. We just want to cure him of his habit of telling the truth. We don’t know what happened to him. He was telling perfect lies all his life and suddenly changed overnight.

Jatasar: Ok, I understand. If he has started telling the truth abruptly I suspect there must have been a contamination of his heart and mind for some reason.

Nickkerji: What do you mean?

Jatasar: It is not easy to convert people from telling lies to telling the truth unless there is a great shock of some kind. Maybe he got poisoned with something.

Kamdev: I hope he was not experimenting with some herbs that make people tell the truth! He told me once that he wanted to prove that narco-analysis was practiced in the Vedic period also! That is what must have happened- he found the herb and took it by accident!

Jatasar: The only way out now is to do a brain and heart transplant. It will be expensive but can be done. We will replace them with artificial ones that are specially manufactured by the Pentagon’s psychological warfare division. Many politicians and leaders around the world have them these days- particularly in the Third World countries.

Nickkerji: We don’t want him to have a completely American heart and brain. That will make it difficult for us to do politics in India. Can you make them in such a way that there is a Vedic touch to them?

Jatasar (laughs): Of course we will make the heart and brain with a big ‘Om’ inscribed on them if you want. We can tailor all American warfare products to suit local needs. That is…if you pay the right kind of money!

Nickkerji: You must give us a discount though from your usual prices. The CM has a very small brain and is practically heartless! So there is not too much to replace I think and the work should be quick! He was always a good liar in the past!

Jatasar (becoming serious): That is what they say about all the politicians around the world we have operated on. OK, I will give you a concession if you promise to get me more such clients in India in the future.

Scene Six:

The CM has woken up and is trying to get up. The Dakutar, the male nurses and Jatasar have just finished operating on him. Everyone around cheers.

Shouts of the crowd: Mukhya Mantriji ki jai ho! Jhoot bolney waley Mukhya Mantriji ki jai ho! Nickkerji, Balwa Julum, Kamdev, Jatasar and Ghulam are standing and watching the CM from the sidelines.

CM: (addressing the crowd): I am completely cured now! Whatever truth I may have uttered due to the contamination of my brain and heart in the past few days are all deeply regretted. Please forget them and believe only the lies I am about to tell you from now on. Now I am ready to continue my mission to give you all the Ram Rajya my party has been promising. I will serve you so well for the rest of my life that all of you will remember it all your life…. ( his voice tapers off)

Nickkerji: ( wiping tears from his eyes) This is a truly emotional moment for me. He has already told five lies in the first sentence he spoke after the operation. He remembers everything I taught him when he came to me the first time in his half-pants. He used to be so cute with his long, smooth legs!

Balwa Julum: Thank God he is back to normal once again! I thought I was going to be unemployed soon, the way he was going on exposing our attacks on the tribal people.

Kamdev: He was the most corrupt chief minister we had before he started telling the truth. Now I think he will beat all his former world records in corruption. Thanks to you Jatasar of course!

Jatasar: No need to thank me. This is a professional job, which has been paid for with money stolen from your country’s ordinary folk. And this will help my corporate clients too, from whom I will make additional money. In fact I should thank you for getting me this contract.

(turning to the audience) What I have not told anyone so far is that the artificial heart and brain of the CM can be manipulated with a remote control that is still in America. He can be switched off and on like a color TV set any time the Americans want. In fact, he can be controlled easily with a mere phone call from America.

Presses the remote control button and the CM walks like a robot turning around to the command of Jatasar’s finger movements.

Ghulam: Only the people of India can now save India from these remote-controlled politicians running a remote-controlled democracy.

END

Prayer-chains in the time of Rama Sene

J Devika — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 16:30:54 +0000

I hope I’m not wasting precious space and people’s time by this frivolous post. But I do FEEL STRONGLY about it and I’m sure at least a few Mallu sisters sympathize — so here goes.

I just received an prayer-chain email. It is a prayer, I suppose, for men, especially Malayali men,and it goes like this:

Do not ignore this mail! Please forward it to at least 10 people…

A miracle awaits you! Please do not delete it. This mail is not a joke.

‘V’

Gopalan FORWARDED this mail to 10 people and that evening, he got a bottle of White Rum

When he got the mail, Rajappan believed it and FORWARDED to 15 people and next day morning his uncle come from Gulf with a bottle of Johnny Walker

Shashi received the mail and DELETED it. His Brandy Bottle fell from the table and broke! He lost all his Brandy

Achuthan, a Army Officer received this mail and he FORWARDED it to 20 people. The same day, Government increased his Monthly Liquor Quota

Surendran received this mail and DELETED it. He also made fun of the email. The same day the Bar next to his house closed down!

Please forward, it to as many people as you can. You will see a Miracle happening in your life.

Now, this tickled me, but I felt left out. So I rewrote it:

Do not ignore this mail! Please forward it to at least 10 people…
A miracle awaits you! Please do not delete it. This mail is not a joke.
‘D.’

Gopika FORWARDED this mail to 10 people and that evening, she got a bottle of White Rum when her husband, who had ordered it, wasn’t home, and all her friends were visiting her.

When she got the mail, Rajamma believed it and FORWARDED to 15 people and next day morning her uncle come from Gulf with a bottle of Johnny Walker and her husband was hurriedly summoned to duty back in Gulf!

Shashikala received the mail and DELETED it. Her husband’s Brandy Bottle fell from the table and broke! Not only did she fail to taste it, she got blamed too.

Achaama, a Miltary Nurse, received this mail and he FORWARDED it to 20 people. The same day, Government decided to extend the Monthly Liquor Quota to all women in her camp!

Suma received this mail and DELETED it. She also made fun of the
email. The same day the Bar license for the girls-only bar she’d got was cancelled! Alas!Woe!

Please forward, it to as many people as you can. You will see a Miracle happening in your life — women will revolutionize the use of liquor. A time will come when it won’t be a health hazard, a coward’s ultimate refuge, or an excuse for being violent. A time will come when liquor will be a happy thing. Ah, that’s the miracle I want!

Sachch Boley Kauwa Kaatey -II

Satya Sagar — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 05:02:37 +0000

Read Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Cartoon by K.P Sasi

Scene Two:

Ghulam goes off to get the tea, into which he crushes and puts a few of the truth-telling herbal leaves. All this with a wicked smile on his face.

Ghulam gives the tea to the CM. Just as he is about to drink it Balwa Julum comes in and the CM keeps the teacup aside.

Balwa Julum: You called me sir? What do you want me to do now? Murder, rape, arson, communal violence, civil war. I can organise everything except nuclear war. Am still trying to get hold of the right material for that from Dr Khan across the border!

CM: Shaabaash! Balwa Julum! Spoken like a true mercenary! This time the task is much simpler- to drive thousands of poor tribals out of the forest where they live. All these past centuries we the ‘Aryan’ outsiders have driven the tribal communities into the forests by taking away their lands and now it is time to drive them out of the forests into out city slums! Who knew before, that the land beneath the forests could be the source of so much wealth! These tribal’s don’t understand this, but they are sitting on our treasure!

Balwa Julum: Will be done sir. You have to give my boys some police uniforms, guns, lots of money and impunity for any crime we may commit. And of course, before I forget – you have to keep the human rights fellows and the nosey journalists off our backs. They will make life difficult otherwise. I don’t like publicity!

CM: Don’t worry Balwa I have the right medicine for these human rights wallahs. We will accuse them of being ‘accomplices’ of the terrorists and put them away in prison. Once captured, we will give them this new truth–telling medicine that I have discovered!

And as for nosey journalists, a few expensive advertisements to their newspapers and magazines will shut them up!

Pulls out the leaf from his pocket and at the same time picks up the cup of tea and drinks it. Suddenly his head starts spinning and he lets out a weak cry and falls to the ground unconscious.

Balwa shouts to Ghulam: “Call a doctor quick. The CM has fainted’.

Ghulam: Which doctor should I call? All the best doctors in the state have been put away in jail already!

Balwa: I don’t care who you call. Call any quack you want. We can’t take responsibility if this fat politician dies alone with the two of us. If there is no doctor available get the DakuTar, that dacoit doctor!

Scene Three:

Two men, dressed as male nurse, come rushing in and put the CM on a stretcher and take him away. He is taken to Dakutar, who checks his heartbeat with a stethoscope.

Dakutar: I don’t hear any heartbeat but I think that is normal. A politician of the CM’s stature could not have any heart anyway. I think he will be all right if we give him some electrical shocks. As long as there is no power cut I think we can do this successfully.

Dakutar proceeds to give the CM shocks while the two male nurses hold him down. CM convulses a few times and then wakes up screaming.

CM: Where am I? What happened? Who are all of you?

Dakutar: I am a Dakutar, the Daku Doctor. You are the Chief Minister of our state. I just now saved your life. So you should give me half your property when you die. In fact I will make sure you die very soon. No, no- what I mean is that you will live very long sir if you give me half your property!

CM: I don’t know. I am feeling very strange right now. I feel like telling the truth all the time. I have never ever felt like this all my life. Even as a baby I used to tell lies and my mother though I was the cleverest child in the whole world and was so proud of me.

You mentioned property. I want to tell the truth about the property I own. I have one apartment in Paris, two in America, three in London, a dozen in Delhi and maybe fifty here in our state capital. I have millions of dollars stashed away in a Swiss bank and also own at least ten percent of the Bombay stock market. I stole all this money from various people, but mostly from the people of India. I am the most corrupt Chief Minister I have ever personally met and I meet myself every morning when I look into the mirror. I have committed crimes that would make the Satan go back to kindergarten and start his schooling all over again!

Dakutar: Wow! That is pure honesty on your part to admit all that! And now that I know how much you own I feel like charging you a little more for ‘saving your life’!

CM: (continuing) I am going to tell the truth and nothing but the truth from now on. I am going to tell the entire country about the crimes committed by my government, my party, the ministers in my cabinet. How we have been paid by the big companies to steal land from the people and hand it over to them. How we have given away valuable public property to private businessmen in return for their bribes. How we have arrested our opponents by planting false evidence on them and calling them terrorists. I have the details, the records, the evidence against all my colleagues in the government. They will all go to jail, bloody rascals………

CM is led out by the two male nurses, still babbling about exposing his government to the people.

Scene Four:

Nickkerji is discussing the CM’s condition with Kamdev

Nickkerji: Kamdevji, what I hear about the CM’s behaviour is very disturbing. He is revealing all the truth about his government, his cabinet colleagues, the party, our goals and objectives. If this continues we can forget any idea of establishing the AaRam Rajya we have been aiming for. .

Kamdev: Aaram for us and Ram, Ram for the masses you mean. Yes, this news about the CM is very disturbing indeed. Truth from the mouths of people in power is dangerous- for the people in power. For speaking such truths our government has arrested so many people and now the CM is saying the same things openly.

Nickkerji: You are supposed to be a master of yoga and ayurveda. You have made a lot of money out of twisting yourself into all kinds of positions on television channels, encouraging people to deep breathe polluted air and by selling a lot of spurious herbal medicines. Do you have anything from our ancient Indian wisdom that can cure the CM and make him tell lies again? Surely there must be something?

Kamdev: Telling lies always came naturally to my ancestors. They did not have to do yoga or take any herbal medicine for that. Every time they told a lie a new god was born and that is why we have so many of them. Yes, for making people tell the truth there was a special herb that was used. If there was no herb available a simpler technique was used- the danda, which is still being used by the Indian police for extracting confessions from prisoners. Let me think deeply about what we can do to make the CM tell lies again?

Nickkerji: I don’t trust you one bit and know you are a very devious fellow. That is why I am talking to you. You are the only one who can solve this problem. Give me a solution using your knowledge of ancient Indian wisdom. We need to solve this problem or else we are all doomed.

Kamdev: I know from my understanding of ancient Indian wisdom that the best solutions to our local problems are always those that are imported from America. Even in the Vedic period we had good relations with America. I would suggest – for getting the CM to tell lies once again- we need to hire the services of an American corporation that specialises in this kind of work.

Nickkerji: Kamdev, you are a genius! I knew our ancients were smart but did not realize how smart! Importing solutions from America is indeed the way forward. After all American politicians tell bigger and better lies than even our local ones. They must have some special technology for telling lies, apart from their smooth tongues!

Read Part 3

Street-play: Sachch Boley Kauwa Kaatey

Satya Sagar — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 08:00:59 +0000

Cartoon by K.P Sasi

Cast of Characters

Mukhya Mantri: Chief Minister of a state, who also happens to be an ayurvedic doctor

Kamdev: Sanyasi who performs yoga on television channels and has his own ayurvedic medicine business

Ghulam: Personal secretary to CM who acts like a slavish clown but in reality resents the CM’s arrogance and bossing around. Always with chains around his neck.

Nickkerji: Ideological mentor of the CM who ‘guides’ him in all his actions and decisions

Jatasar (Jindal/Tata/Essar): Consultant, who advices corporations and investors coming to the state for business

Balwa Julum: Muscle man employed by the state to silence all its critics and opponents

Dakutar: A quack doctor who knows nothing about medicine but greedily makes money from every patient.

Summary of the Play:

Mukhya Mantriji or CM, as a former ayurvedic doctor, likes to experiment with ayurvedic herbs in his spare time. He is trying to find an herb that can make all the political prisoners in his state ‘confess’ the truth. He also wants to prove that ‘narco analysis’ was practiced in ancient India in the Vedic period.

Ghulam, the CM’s personal secretary is trying to take revenge on him for all the humiliation he has been subjected to all these years. So the first chance he gets, he puts in some of the herb into tea meant for the CM.

CM wakes up in the morning and is a changed man. He speaks only the truth about everything- himself, his government, its policies, his beliefs. He for, example, confesses that his government is trying to grab land from poor people and hand it over to big corporations in return for bribes or how his police frames human rights workers as being ‘terrorists’ by planting false evidence. It becomes highly embarrassing to his party and other political colleagues and they bring in Nickkerji to try and ‘cure’ CM.

Nickkerji asks Kamdev- the fake guru- to help a solution. He in turn calls Jatasar, who is a corporate consultant and has a good knowledge of the latest technologies used to make people tell lies. He suggests that the CM needs a ‘brain and heart’ transplant using special equipment produced by the Pentagon as part of its psychological warfare.

So the transplant is done and the CM is cured. He is able to tell lies once again and his party rejoices and celebrates. However what few people notice is that the remote control for the artificial brain and heart transplanted into the CM is still in America!

Sachch Boley Tho Kauwa Kaatey

Scene One: Mukhya Mantriji (or CM) is walking up and down in his office with a bunch of ayurvedic herbs, a plant with leaves, in his hand triumphantly.

CM: I got it! I got it! Finally the magic herb is in my hands! This is the medicine that will change the history of the world- a medicine to make anyone who takes it speak the truth and nothing but the truth!

Ghulam: Long live Mukhya Mantriji! He is a genius! He has re-discovered the medicine that was used for extracting the truth in ancient India- in the Vedic period! Long live the Chief Minister!

Shakes his chains enthusiastically. Suddenly pauses and looks worried, his face transforming from joy to fear

Ghulam: …but Mukhya Mantriji, who will use such a herb- that makes anyone who takes it tell the truth! Wouldn’t that be too dangerous for us if everyone spoke the truth all the time? There may be no politicians left and certainly politics as it happens now will be completely finished! Are you sure discovering this herb was such a good idea? What if it falls into the wrong hands?

CM: Idiot! It has already fallen into the wrong hands! Mine!

(holding up his hands) I am the only one who has access to this herb and will be the only one to use it also!

Ghulam: But, sir, who will you use this medicine on? You have so many enemies, will you have enough supplies for all of them? You may have to deforest much of our province. Don’t take offence! As your Secretary I have to think of the logistics!

CM: Not my enemies you fool! This medicine is for the Enemies of the State. They are the ones who will be subject to this experiment.

Ghulam: You mean enemies of the country? Like foreign imperialists, colonial powers or those fat capitalists who are trying to steal our national wealth?

CM: Wrong again! Enemies of the State are all those who are opposed to the rule of us feudal politicians, slavish bureaucrats, the loyal police – and to the corporations that pay us to run the country on their behalf! We are the State!

(stretches himself, pats his stomach and poses like a prize bull)

Don’t I look like the State?

Ghulam: Wow! So that means you will basically feed this herb to almost the entire population of our country?

CM: (nodding his head to say yes) In due course of time that is what we will do. But first we will start with all the political prisoners – all those meddling human rights and trade union activists, all those who organise the ordinary people against us and want to establish democracy in this country. Once they take this medicine they will tell us the entire truth!

Ghulam: Excuse my ignorance sir. But I thought they were all in prison for telling the truth about the government and the corporations? What more truth do you want them to tell?

CM: I want them to reveal all their secrets to me about themselves, their friends, their supporters, their organisations. What keeps them going on? How exactly do they plan to throw us out of power? And why do they continue to oppose us even when we beat them up and put them away in prison on false charges?

CM’s mobile phone rings just then. He picks it up and in the process a bunch of leaves of the herb sticks out of his pocket. It is a call from the chief of a mining company.

CM (standing at attention): Yes sir! It will be done sir! No problem sir! The forest will be cleared very soon sir and you can start your mining operation soon! Yes, there are thousands of poor tribals there right now but we have a plan to move them out. We will tell them they are under threat from terrorists in the forest and take them to special camps far away from their homes.

Pause as CM is listening to the voice on the other side.

CM: No sir! There won’t be any mistakes. We have done this kind of operation before also. If you pay us the right amount we will also organise goons to go and beat up or even kill all those who resist our plan. Money is our religion also sir, just like yours.

(giggles like a school girl)

So for religion we will do anything, however evil our actions may be. After all it is a matter of religion sir!

In the meanwhile Ghulam has tiptoed close to the CM and stolen a few leaves of the truth telling herb from the CM’s pocket.

CM: (dialing a new number on his phone) Ghulam, get me some tea to drink. I am going to call Balwa Julum to go and clear out the forest. The mining company boss wants to start his operation there very soon. Prices of iron ore are going through the roof in the world markets and he says there is not much time to lose and lots of money to be made.

Ghulam: Of course sir! The tea will be ready in a minute sir! Very special tea!

Read Part II